I am not a Monster | Part 3
When I first got the diagnosis, I fell apart a little bit.
I am not the kind of person who cries very often, not because I’m ashamed but because I’m cold and have no emotions (just kidding), but when I heard that I have Diabetes Type I, I called my mother soon after. I was sitting in the smoker’s area of the hospital and the tears just kept coming. I didn’t care about the people watching me. I didn’t care about anything.
Diabetes Type I is a bitch.
There is no getting away from it. I can’t eat healthier or do sports to make it go away. I can’t make my body produce more insulin. Some friends asked me how I deal with having to give myself shots every single day. Easy: there’s no way around it unless I want to have organ failure and lose my sight. There are a million things I need to be aware of and there are many exceptions.
I just don’t want to work out all the things I may need to know about Diabetes for my future. I know that it is only gonna get worse and that I have it ‘easy’ now. I was scared and I didn’t know where to get help from.
So, I called my ex who ‘diagnosed’ me first. (see part 2)
You didn’t answer the phone. Just a five-word-text. Everything’s gonna be fine or some shit was not what I needed to hear. Nothing is fine when you hear you have an incurable disease. It can never be fine unless scientists find a way to transplant a pancreas. And I don’t see that happening in the near or far future.
I know I hurt you in the past and I am sorry. I said everything I could possibly say but in the end, there was nothing I could have done differently. I had to look out for myself. I know now that we cannot be friends because you need to have a clear-cut from the past. But I don’t know what’s going on with you… if you feel cool not responding to me… and bragging about it to mutual friends… but I don’t think that ghosting a 6-year relationship is something to be proud of.
I meant it when I said I was always gonna be there for you.
If you called me now because you have some terrible news I would drop everything and head over to you. I mean that and I always have: no matter what. It hurts to know that you didn’t do the same. If you want to get over me by deleting me from your hard drive and your head, that’s fine. But I can’t wrap my head around what kind of person you are becoming when you can ignore the partner you’ve had for many years when he desperately needs help.
I am not a monster.
I think you can never expect a person to give you their all. You can never own another person’s mind, body or sexuality. They can leave you any second. Even a marriage license is nothing more than a fake security blanket. I always thought we will end up together again, eventually. But when I think of you now I remember that I want a partner to be a good friend also. We may never be that again, however, I am not a monster. Even if that’s how you decide to remember me.
With that in mind, I will now move on from moaning and bitching. I will have to look into the future and find my happy place again. I know I can do that, even though I worry about what lies ahead.
BenLeander
Read about my experiences with Diabetes Type I from the start here.
floatinggold
“How do you handle daily shots?” What a stupid question. Yes, it sucks, but unless you want to die, then… It seems like a lot of people don’t understand how life works. When you have to do stuff, you have to do stuff. Simple as that. You do have a choice not to do them, but YOU will be the one dealing with the consequences. Don’t make ME deal with them.
As for your ex – I’m the same way. No matter what, I would drop things and help. He could have at least sent you a more elaborate txt/ email/ links to helpful pages, or whatnot, instead of just saying “don’t worry”.
Ben Leander
I hate that I am being forced to do something but unfortunately it is true that I don’t have a choice concerning the shots. That’s just something I’ll have to learn to live with.
Yeah me too. I’m just not the kind of person who cuts people out of my life very easily although I now realize that there’s Pros about not having to think about him anymore.
Kristi McAllister
I want you to know that I understand how you feel, as I usually lean on my ex every time I get scared about something. I think familiarity is what we crave when we are facing unknown things: your diabetes, my health issues. I think we have to just be okay with the fact that we are better people than they are as we WOULD drop everything to be there for them, no matter what. Keep telling your stories, Ben. People really do benefit from them…<3
Ben Leander
You are right, familiarity is important when a terrifying change is happening. It would have really helped, but what am I gonna do?
I wouldn’t say that I am better than someone else though. We did have an amazing relationship together and what I hope for is that what I write about isn’t too one-sided. He is a great guy after all excluding everything post-break-up.
wellcolourmeyellow
Pancreatically challenged. hahah, that has to be the best thing i’ve read all day, really does pay to have a way with words huh? you did a really good job writing this post. Im sad to see this’ll be the end of this series. I’d love to read more raw series from you, like this one. It was really interesting, and again, you write personal essays really well.
Ben Leander
Hey there, always a pleasure seeing you in the comment section. Thanks for the feedback once again… I was sad about the ending of this series too, however, I should add that I am doing really good right now. Life is good even with my health issues. I think it’s gonna be a long journey and I’m sure I’m gonna reference stuff in the future. In the end, all I write are unfinished stories one way or the other.
wellcolourmeyellow
No worries!
Ah, I see. I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. I wholeheartedly agree with what you said regarding ‘unfinished stories’. Really evocative!