Apocalypse of the Mind [Poem]
Similar to past years, I have again decided to summer in Berlin and revisit my second life. I wanted to write about all my experiences here but I have to compress a lot. Bare with me.
I have written down single lines of emotions, situations that occurred and random thoughts bubbles that I had. I started a couple of weeks before moving to Berlin and finished now, towards the end of my time here. Some context follows at the bottom of the page.
apocalypse of the mind
disable my feelings
a cloud made of steel
encaged water
falling through the sky
i’m anxious a lot these days
bury me in clouds
i’m anxious a lot these days
in case you’re happy you won
coming home i don’t belong
put everything on hold
a best friend I rarely get to see
replacing corrupt memories
recycled art no one cares about
the city lost its soul
what stays behind if
berlin is kaputt
an ambulance stuck in traffic
bloodstain on the toilet seat
violinist on the subway
and i feel sick again
tanned stranger in the park
tipsy bear in the dark
a russian princess serving tea
dissolve you within me
melting walls and paper moons
this is not the cure
no more questioning
when everything’s unsure
wake up with a smile on your face
i am smiling too
take me into your skin
i will take you too
a phantasy that’s about to end
and then your smile again
apocalypse of the mind
let’s go back to dreamland
A little context
The first few days after my arrival, I filled my calendar with all kinds of things I had been missing: art, foodie food, markets, shopping, interesting cafès and bars, karaoke,… In between this fast Berlin life, I sat down in a park, listened to some voice messages, and realized I felt what I hadn’t felt in quite a while: contempt, happy and at home. In my typical manner, I instantly had to question these feelings and started worrying about possibly drifting into depression when I will have to get back to Graz…
Then I tried shifting my perspective and rather focus on internalizing what makes me so happy and fulfilled in Berlin. I started thinking about how to take that with me to Graz. Of course, I cannot bring all my friends here – and trust me, I would if I could – but I can continue living an authentic and unapologetic lifestyle.
I got to know some fascinating new people here and enjoyed the special kind of short-term dating that living in a city for only a specific amount of time brings with it. I purposefully do not want to go into too many details, but I will say that I have had some lovely experiences here. To me, the most beautiful thing is being able to enjoy such inspiring encounters again after having had hurtful experiences. I may not be ready to jump into something – but rather than doing what doesn’t feel right, I choose to enjoy what I am capable of handling at the moment.
I will not only miss Berlin and the city and its possibilities and my Voguing classes and the feeling of freedom. I will mostly miss the beautiful people I have known for years or have just met. You may say that I am setting myself up for pain by switching between my two homes, but I know with certainty that I will come back and get to enjoy what makes Berlin so beautiful all over again.
I will return to Graz just in time for the exhibition we ❤ illustration that I am also a part of. Let’s have a chat at the opening on the 17th of September in the designforum.
BenLeander
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