Drunk Sinners Climbing on Roofs [Silvester Storytime]

Today’s gonna be a little different. I have to tell you my Silvester 2017/18 experience. It’s a story no one asked for and no one wants hear but I’m gonna tell it anyways. ‘Why?’, you askin, ‘is there an important life lesson to learn from the failures of your drunk self?’ No. But it’s an awesome story.

For the start, I’ve met some friends at home for a feast of raclette, sparkling wine and Cards Against Humanity. Unfortunately, they’re not big on dancing. So as soon as we’ve decided we weren’t gonna turn the party into an orgy, I had to meet up with other friends. The cab arrived at 1 am-ish and to say the least, five people in a four-people cab is not a great idea. I was the one who had to lay down on the backseat over three people who petted me on the way. At least, I wouldn’t need to find a random hookup to satisfy my need for human contact. When we arrived at the club, I realized we didn’t even take a cab. It actually was a friend’s boyfriend who drove us.

The club we wanted to go to

Now, when you’re the owner of a huge club in a town full of students, you’d think you’d not forget to register the massive new year’s party you’ve planned for weeks, right? Well, unfortunately, they didn’t and the party was shut down by the police before it even started. We were so frustrated! I was sure, this was the end of the night. But we weren’t ready to give up just yet…

So, we took another cab (well, actually it was the first cab of the night) and went to a smaller club.. Inside, my friend and I started to play ‘If I were you’. In case you’re not familiar with this game, let me explain the highly complicated rules of it. You go up the friend and say, ‘If I were you, I’d go over to the DJ and ask for Barbie Girl!’ and the other person must do so. After a couple of rounds, I told my friend that if I were her, I’d go over to the tables (which was 2 meters high) and dance on them. The ceiling, by the way, was only about 3.5 meters high so she’d have to make herself small. As I’m not a complete asshole, I joined her in the fun as we danced our party routine. Our thoughtful friends were attentive enough to record this 2-second clip in which you can see us high-fiving for not having fallen off the table and onto the dirty ground.

After our first climb of the night, we were pumped and went to another venue where we ended up dancing to ‘Purple Rain’. ‘This is normal behavior’, I said to myself. When that place closed, we were still kinda motivated (although my friend said for the third time that ‘this was definitely the last place she will visit today’). So, we went for a walk. Because we don’t think ahead, we walked towards a closed gate. After having climbed onto a table, a gate wasn’t going to stop us. We climbed over it and miraculously didn’t injure us. The party gods were on our side.

This gate could not stand in our way!

After that much party, we started having hallucinations of clubs popping up and playing loud music (this actually happened – no joke), so we were glad when a good friend of ours texted us to come to another small venue. And if I say small, I mean small. The club we went to is smaller than my apartment. But in contrast to my apartment which is only inhabited by my hollow soul, it was still filled with people. So, we prolonged the fun as if we didn’t already have any. And after about an hour or so we had the great idea of climbing on the roof of the club. I mean, what could go wrong? The sun was rising and we wanted the best possible view, dammit! After now telling the third story of us climbing onto something (that was not another person’s body), you’re probably ready for one of us to fall and hurt themselves but I have to disappoint you as fate was on our side. The only problem was that 1 minute after we’ve settled on the roof, the club owner came out and chased us off the roof.

Our last stop of the night. Photo by Sophie Ederer

While this was already a very long night, we still had some energy left. So, we totally randomly went ice-skating! (If you count climbing into a locked down ice-skating ring and sliding along the ice with our regular shoes) After that, we were ready to call it a night. When we looked on our watches aka smartphones (who still uses watches?), we realized that it was 8 am. We could go for breakfast or something. I mean, what do regular people do who are already up at 8 am? We did the only thing we could think of and went to church.

…

Before washing our souls from the sins of past night, we ran into a guy on the streets who seemed very upset. He asked us if we knew a club that was still open. We didn’t and suggested that he could come to church with us. I mean, we’re all sinners anyway. He was more thrilled to go to church than any person alive ever was. Then, we asked what was going on with him. He told us that it was his birthday today (January first) and that he just turned eighteen! However, his boyfriend had just left him. Does that ring any bells? We couldn’t leave him alone and took him with us. After 30 minutes in church, we left because of course it sounded more fun than it actually was. Well, I guess it never really sounded like fun but rather like something crazy and stupid to do. At least, we didn’t have to climb into the church. And I feel pretty holy. After church, we all went home and I feel in bed at 10 am-ish.