A Moment in Time: Goodbye, Mr. Fisherman
Although 2020 was generally a pretty good year for me, it also contained a lot of drama, bad experiences and painful goodbyes. And even though a fortune-teller had told me I had a rough time ahead you can’t really prepare for the ups and downs that life throws at you.
The hardest thing after breaking apart
Is seeing that it’s not all your fault
And neither it is the other’s
It’s easy to create a villain
And hard to realize that sometimes
Love is just not enough
Goodbye Bad Vibes
2021 was going to be a new start and I remember all of us being pretty excited about leaving behind everything that made the past year so toxic. Two months later, however, we’re still in pretty much the same situation we’ve been in all of last year.
This will pass
But at what cost
What’s one year
A blink of an eye
Fisherman’s Friend
In between all of this, I found my ways in this new situation. From one week to the next I went from partying every weekend and constantly seeing friends, to being primarily with one person: myself. Over time, restrictions were lifted, people came and passed. I had a deep look at myself and found some things I didn’t like. Not-so-little details I casually sweep under the rug of exciting weekend plans and crazy adventures to keep myself busy. And even though I always kinda knew these things were parts of me, I never really had the heart to be honest with myself and acknowledge my imperfections.
I turned to philosophy, read books about Zen, Buddhism and mindfulness, I reflected and meditated. I practiced Yoga, wrote a life motto on my mirror, download self-care apps and promised myself to do better. I started a process that won’t conclude overnight but hopefully bring positive changes to my life. For the first time, I decided to not work on projects or my business or art or anything but myself. Actually, I made myself one of my projects. And then, something unexpected happened.
I became friends with the fisherman
And started to share again
What I had kept to myself
In the midst of recovering
He made me feel like I wasn’t that broken
And things weren’t that pointless
And everything can feel right
When scars align
And life isn’t boring
Even when it’s on hold
Complex Numbers
The fisherman is probably the smartest person I have ever met (except for my father, obviously), and put in simple terms it makes me feel very special when a special person tells me I am. But as I am writing this article, the clock is ticking as destiny decided for us to be just a moment in time. The fisherman is here for a project, working at my local university, and will go back to his home university in Brazil in just two weeks.
I just wanna cuddle up in my blanket
Stay cozy until the cold winter is over
And enjoy the summer to come
But knowing that you are here now
And won’t be then
Makes the winter feel pretty damn good
Forever is a lie
This of course isn’t news to me, we have always known our time limit. People who know me better or follow my blog may see some resemblance with past experiences and even though I don’t wanna go into details, I have to say that the coincidences are pretty insane. And while I struggled with many things triggering hurtful memories, these reminders have also had a positive effect. Spending time with the fisherman put a lot of things in perspective that used to feel cruel and challenging.
In the end there is nothing we can do
Only time we can spend
It will end as everything does
Because forever doesn’t exist
So what better to do than carelessly forget
And enjoy the present
There’s beauty in the inevitable
And even though we know the rules
Sometimes it’s best to ignore them
And just enjoy the ride
I know from experience that there is no point in fighting the bigger plans that life has for you. So, instead of thinking about the fisherman and I having to say goodbye in less than two weeks, I think about tomorrow being Valentine’s Day and – even though this day barely has more meaning to me than a Casual Friday at the office – what I will cook. And how it doesn’t matter and everything would be just as good if we ordered stale burgers from McDonald’s as long as we eat them together and they don’t run out of Sour Cream.
Goodbye, Prof. Fisherman. Thank you for a wonderful time. Gostoso!
BenLeander
A poem in video form…?
