Planning Uncertainty
I am a compulsive overthinker and lately I have been struggling to identify what my next step in life is gonna be. Corona, depression, inflation and the war in Europe complicate this process. An attempt to sort my thoughts.
A war specialist recently stated that Russia is either gonna have to declare defeat or a bigger war across Europe. What does this mean for us? I have just been in Sri Lanka, a country in serious crisis, and I cannot imagine my live at home under similar distress. How can I make plans for my summer or think about my professional future when everything – again – is uncertain? Who will need someone working in design and copywriting when there is a war? Am I thinking too far ahead? Or not far enough?
I don’t know anything
Maybe it’s just a pessimistic Greek saying, but it’s true that I don’t know anything. Even in my good moments, my thoughts are influenced by my personal experiences. This aside, I have had fewer and fewer of those good moments in 2022. I have the feeling that some things in my life are off but I just can’t put my finger on them. It’s nothing specific that’s keeping me down but a lot of smaller things. And when everything seems to be going wrong, how can I be happy? I want to take a leap and do what’s next for me, I just don’t know what. I’m running endless circles.
Back to Black
To summarize, my health this year has been shit. I have been struggling both physically and mentally. My mental issues often stem from me having Diabetes-related issues. Due to this, I have been floating somewhere in between short phases of joyful mania and states of deep depression.
Sometimes I wake up thinking that all I want to do is go back to sleep. In these phases, I have no energy and feel weak. I have lost some clients due to Corona and have had fewer projects to distract myself with. While this career standstill sucked, I was also kinda glad that no one called because I can’t handle much work when I’m depressed. I spent days watching TV shows, not being creative, inspired or productive. I didn’t talk to a single person and the unread messages piling on felt like a burden. I felt the connections with people I love fading away. I was lonely and for some reason decided to reach out to people I have dated in the past. Sad and lonely as I was, I eventually realized that I wasn’t doing what was good for me but that I was going down a toxic rabbit hole of self-sabotage.
A sad Dreamer
I ended up thinking about what I wanted out of life and why what I have isn’t enough. I am privileged to have such a nice living situation, I make my own work hours, am my own boss and can go wherever I want at any given time. I am independent and free and I don’t have ties to anything or anyone. And that is probably why I feel so lost right now.
Not knowing what the future holds and what I am missing is not the best place to be at. I had all these ideas of things I could be doing and I really didn’t know where to start. It’s hard to identify what you’re passionate about when everything feels bland. A friend gave me a genius tip to higher my standards so that I have fewer options to choose from. I did this and came up with the following list of things:
- Finish my book and become an actual author
- Keep working in design but with more ideal clients and more artsy work
- Travel by myself (going to Sri Lanka was the first step and I loved it!)
- Start working as a voluntary psychologist
Right now what keeps me going is thinking that while these are big dreams to chase, I have achieved equally big things before. I just wonder if these plans I created a couple of weeks ago will stand the test of time considering the situation in Europe. And if they will ever truly fulfill me. Do I need something different, something more? Do I need to go back to work for someone else? Or move somewhere different? Heck, what do I know!
Nothing in the world is final, not even the pain you carry within yourself. It’s OK that I am not OK right now but one day I will be fine again. I know that. I was more than OK – amazing actually – when I was in Sri Lanka. How can I make this a more permanent feeling when I’m at home?
BenLeander
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