Starting my New Decade

I’m living the last days of my twenties and I’m trying to stay careless about my final steps towards actually becoming an adult. A review. 

I remember that I almost had a panic attack the day before I turned 20 years old. I had never cared about the age of others, but for some reason, I didn’t feel ready to let my teenage years go. Looking back now, I truly don’t know why, considering how shitty they’ve been.

Previously on: My life

I went through many ups and downs the past ten years. I’ve fallen in love three times and enjoyed each a ton. I’ve traveled through four continents, started and finished studying psychology and design, started my freelance business… this article would be too long and too narcissistic if I named everything that has happened.

I’ve entered my 20s a completely different person than I am now. I didn’t have major life-changing successes but a ton of small to medium ones and I am generally happy with where I’m headed. Most of the anxieties and insecurities that challenged me when I was 19 are ghosts from the past. However, I often feel insecure about myself and what I am doing with my life. I feel the need to overcompensate and prove myself instead of being able to just enjoy the ride.

I am a complex person

Which is a nice way of saying that I am complicated. I am deep and dark – sometimes too much – and I ride the highs and lows of my life. I am quite an emotional person and sometimes I wish I could be simpler and more rational. But I know when the light reflects my surface just right, you can have a great time with me. Even if there’s still a long way to go, I am more confident now than I have been at any other age.

Looking forward

I am writing this article not to brag about how great my life is. I wanna be a bit realistic here and say that it’s not always great. In the past year especially I have faced depressive symptoms and suicidal thoughts. There were no major catalysts for that, I was just generally not happy – and didn’t have any distractions from my ever-turning thought spirals.

Even though my mood tends to be a bit unstable, I know that I don’t want to take anti-depressants again. So, I have to remind myself that feeling these strong emotions and not dissolving them with a pill or a drink is also somewhat a choice.* I need to keep in mind that nothing in life is stable. Everything evolves, gets better, gets worse and better again.

*I have absolutely nothing against taking psychopharmaceuticals or other medics - I do too - I just personally haven't had the best experiences with SSRIs but everybody is different and I support anybody taking them 100%.

The Fear of Turning 30

I don’t know where the cliché comes from that you have to have a crisis when you turn 30. Everyone I know didn’t change their lives around that age and I don’t plan on doing that either. However, I do have the tendency of being a bit depressed on the day before my birthday. It reminds me of bad experiences from the past as well as the fact that I am running out of the currency of youth.

But, on a more positive note, I am certain that turning 30 will not change my fundamental being and turn me into a 9-to-5 office worker dreaming of a house with kids and a dog. (Well, the dog I do want.) I have my own private dreams but they don’t evolve around typical life goals.

I don’t know what society expects of you when you’re turning 30 but rather than thinking about growing up and becoming a serious adult, I wanna define this decade myself. I will only live once – at least with this body and mind – and what I wanna achieve most is to live authentically and unapologetically.

I know that this article doesn’t make for a crazy exciting blog post… but maybe getting older now is simply a more quiet process than it used to be. Let’s find out.

BenLeander

Suggested further reading:

To my former Bullies: An open Letter